Death to bring new life

11 years! 11 years I have been a 'Christian', and for 11 years I have tried so hard to believe it was all true. My head and my heart have been conflicting entities. Like so many things in my life I have tried to love what my head said I needed to love, but my heart disagreed. Careers...trying to convince myself that I love what I do, but not really knowing what I love to do. Family...knowing I love my family but being a little resentful that they have all the things I want. God...wanting, really wanting, to love God but not sure I believe He is there. I have wondered through life trying so hard to make what I saw made other people happy making me happy. And for 11 years I have been miserable.

A few weeks ago my pastor posted a question on Facebook. 'How are you fighting Godly for God?' I posted an answer he read in church. It was straight from the heart, my head was a little bit involved, but I really think my heart took hold for the first time in a long time. During the three weeks from when I posted the comment to when he read it God has done a lot in my heart and my head (we are working on trying to get the two on the same page). When I heard my comment out loud and on the big screen it hit me harder than I thought it would. I have been debating writing what I said on here because I don't want people to think I am trying to get praise from it, but I think it really describes where I have been at for a few months, so I have decided to share it with you. Here was my response...

"Issues! That is how I am fighting for God right now. Over the past decade I have slowly realized how my issues have affected my life and my walk with God. After chasing the things I thought would 'make it all better', I found I was just as alone as ever!! It didn't make it better and it didn't change the way I felt inside. Now, I am fighting for me, because through all of that chasing I realize if I don't fight for me, no one will. That may sound like I am trying to do it on my own, but God cannot work if I don't allow him to. Now, I am dealing with the issues that plaque me, which are breaking down the walls I have put up in front of God. God will break those if he needs to, but more than likely He will wait for you to make the first crack! So, how am I fighting godly for God? I am fighting for me! If I fight for me, I fight for God, because fighting for me means I believe what God says when He tells me he loves me...and once I truly believe something, I spread the word."

Life has been dark, so dark. There have been little glimpses of light, but they dissipated pretty quickly. I have chased and chased and chased the dreams that I thought made me happy, and they have only served to be empty. I have spent years sitting and waiting for 'the one', but instead watch those close to me find it. I am still alone. I have felt so alone. I had finally reached a point where I had pursued the one 'thing' that would make me happy and when it didn't there was nowhere left to go but down. It's scary to go down and I don't recommend doing it by yourself. I had to have help. I have had therapy before, but therapy will only mask the problem unless you really commit to letting them dig. So, I started digging. My hole was much deeper than I thought and it looked so different then I had expected. I truly thought I would find that I hadn't dealt with all those outside things, like my mom dying, my biological father leaving, and the emotional unavailability of certain people in my life. The truth is I actually have dealt with all of that; it was me I hadn't dealt with.

The darkness was so deep I never wanted to go down there. What if I couldn't come back? That would surely kill me. But I reached a point where that was my only option. So now, I am sitting in that darkness, and it's NOT killing me. I am facing the dark, dirty walls that engulf my presence, I am facing the loneliness, and I am facing the suffocation. When I opened my eyes I starting seeing a way out; a rope, if you will. What if I pulled on the rope? Would it fall and I would be stuck forever? What if I didn't pull on the rope? Would I stay and be stuck forever? So, I just sat there in the silence. I never listened to the silence before and what I heard was beautiful. "I am waiting and I am stronger than you think. The rope is tied to a rock that won't fail you. It leads to me." I didn't grab the rope right away. I just looked at it wondering if I could trust the voice I heard or if I was going crazy! I sat, I felt, I cried, I hurt, and I suffered. I am still suffering, but today, I grabbed the rope. Today, I found that the rope didn't fall. Today, I trusted the voice. Climbing represents healing. As long as I hear that voice I know I can keep climbing. And soon, I will be able to climb completely out of the whole, fill it with dirt, and put a cross in the middle of it. The rain will nourish the soil and it will produce beautiful things. The cross will remind me of the suffering and the healing!

Today, I am made new! Maybe for the first time, maybe for the hundredth. Today, I don't wonder if God exists. Today, I feel His presence!

Lyrics and vocals by Beyonce

She was lost in so many differnt ways
Out in the darkness with no guide
I know the cost of a losing hand
Ther but for the grace of God go I

I found heaven on earth
you were my last, my first
and then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria

I've been alone
when I am surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There is only us with light go down

You are my heaven on earth
You are my hunger, my thirst
I always hear this voice inside
Singing Ave Maria

Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While you are busy making plans
Suddlenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand

You are my heaven on earth
You are my last, my first
and then I hear this voice inside
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria

Drunkorexia

Wow!!! Read the title and think about it for a minute. With all the pressure to be skinny I believe we have started recognizing and making people aware about the different eating disorders, including, anorexia, bulimia, exercise bulimia, exercise anorexia. Now there is another they have found to be very common among college campuses. Most of us are not blind to the fact that college is where most kids go to experiment with their freedom, but we should probably look at it a little more closely. I believe we need to educate anyone who will listen; when the conversation presents itself of course. I don't know that I would recommend you walking up to a stranger on the street and scream "are you aware of the new eating disorder"....ha! not cool. So this is my attempt at educating you, by sending it out into cyberspace. Anyway, enough of my rambling...check out this article. Unfortunately, I am not surprised.

http://www.fastweb.com/student-news/articles/1615-binge-drinking-spurs-new-eating-disorder-drunkorexia-?page=1&utm_content=fw_c1_20090930_&utm_source=nlet

Time Management

Geez, I really need to remember to set aside time during the week to read blogs. I love it, but I get so wrapped up in other things that I forget those words are floating in cyberspace. I end up spending hours catching up on everyone's blog. The problem...time management!! My time is all over the place and through trial and error I am figuring it out. Life is one big trial and error right now. It sucks, but it will be good. Counseling is going great! While it hurts it's one of those hurt so good type of things. I am digging in, healing, and at some point will be ready to take one the world...whatever that looks like. I am finding me (so cliche) and am slowly becoming comfortable with the things I like and learning how to change the things I can't. I have a super long way to go, but I am starting to see the light.

We had our first Engage arts ministry meeting on Sunday. I went really well. I think we have a lot of artists at Vangaurd looking for a way to express themeselves. We have a great team of leaders that bring a totally different direction for people. Arts can go in so many different directions and we have the leadership to take it there. It's a bit overwhelming to think about but it's so exciting too. I can't wait to see what God does through this group of very taleneted people. Praise God!! He is working!!

Balance?? How??

I was reading people magazine, my roommate gets it every week I can't help it, and I read this aweful story of a girl who had been kidnapped at 11 and found 18 years later only to be brain washed. It then reminded me of that story about the mother who killed her kids and neices and nephews because she was drinking and driving, a mother who apparently never drank much according ot her family. After that my mind started realing of all the stories I read in people. Michael Jackson's death, which was about 3 or four issues. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Micheal, but come on. I heard a client say one day that there was a very large bomb overseas with our troops but the story never got out because of all the Micheal Jackson stuff. Where is the balance, I mean really!!!

A few weeks ago I finished reading a book called "Fame Junkie's". My oldest sister purchased this for me because for the majority of my life I have been slightly obsessed with fame. Not like some, but I always wanted to be famous. That is precisely why I moved to L.A. If you read my earlier blogs about my journey to L.A. one of the main reasons I came back was that all I wanted was fame. I didn't want the blood, sweat, and tears that come along with it. I find that our culture craves this as well. The ones who are actually famous are the ones who are willing to play all the games in between.

But my question today is two fold. Why do all the stories that get the 3 page spread always negative and highliting the bad that goes on in this world? And, why do the good and positive stories get the little box in the corner? Our culture, if we have one in our mesh of cultures in America, is obsessed with fame and stories about suffering. Why is this?

This book I referred to earlier talks all about the fame portion. I sugesst you read it. Halpern's perspective is that the desire to be famous, to be around famous people, or to read about famous people is simply an addiction. It feeds the same part of the brain as gambling and drugs. while they have different intesities and addiction levels it is the same area. It sort of does for the brain what pornography does, but gives a different emotion. It is sad to me that American Idol has more viewers than the nightly news on three major networks combined.

I am a totally reality junkie, meaning I love watching what people will actually do for thier 15 minutes of fame. But it also saddens me. People will will sell whatever they can to get that 15 minutes, and why? Because it feeds that addiction that says if I am famous, then I am powerful. This book goes into the lives of aspiring child actors and how much money thier parents will throw away for a small chance. I won't lie and tell you I never tried some of these things, but when an angency told me I had to throw down $2,000 to do it, I walked away; many people don't. I could go on and on about this book, but I won't.

What saddens me is what seems to be a very disconnected reality. We want to hear about all the suffering in the world, but we want to be or read about being famous because we think it will get rid of all that suffering. An oxymoron if you ask me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Why do you think this is, and how can we as what America would call 'nobodies', which we are not, do to change it? We certainly don't have voices like Bradgelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie). We can't walk into a network and step in front of a camera and say, "I have something i'd like to say". So, what do we do? I want to see more of the stories of how a small town helped a couple get their Visa back when America wouldn't renew it because their 'business wasn't profitable enough', so the people in their town fought for them because they loved them and their Paris style pasteries.

I don't want to live a life of fear because all you hear is the crap. I want to be aware, but we really need balance don't you think?

Facebook Fan Page

Hey Everyone, most of you know but this new adventure I speak of is an opportunity to work for myself. I am now working at Mateo's Salon and Day Spa (Rockrimmon and Delmoico...719.266.9295) and it has been amazing. Toni and Guy was great to me, but I am ready to take that leap of faith, step out of my comfort zone, and do it a little differently. I am still in the first week, but it has been great and I look forward to many years here.

Click on the link below to check out my facebook fan page and become a fan for updates and discounts. You can also check out craigslist for regularly updated discounts. Thank you for all your support.

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Life is an adventure

Adventure. Dictionary.com defines adventure as a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome. There were a few different definitions to this word, but all of them had on very similar theme. There is risk involved and uncertainty. As I sit here and read through all the blogs I have let myself get behind on this word pops into my head. Adventure. Life is an adventure and now with the world functioning on the internet we get a sneak peak into many different people's lives; lives of people who might live next door to us or in a different country. Everyone has a different story, a different path, a different adventure. For some it's full of heartache and pain. For some it's full of fun and excitement. For most it's a little bit of both.

As I get older in this life I see the journeys that people live and how their choices effect their every day lives. I see how in certain situations they have no choice as to what happens. Society today thrives on adventure. We thrive on risk taking; for something to makes us feel alive. But why? Why do we need adventure to feel alive? When you jump off a cliff into a vast pool of water and the rush of the fall leaves you feeling exhilarated, cruising on a boat over a vast body of water with the wind blowing through your hair, walking through a country where you are not able to communicate with anyone, performing on a stage with thousands of people watching you, giving birth with no help of pain medication.

With the sense of adventure there is usually fear that accompanies it, maybe some pain, and a whole lot of unknowns!! Am I going to land wrong on the water? Am I going to get lost in this unknown city and end up in the wrong place? Will the boat flip over? In most cases there is also a sense of danger involved and when we manage to overcome that danger and come out unharmed we have a sense of empowerment. This makes us feel alive.

I am embarking on a new adventure. Well, acutally I don't know that it's 'new' per say, but it is the first time I am doing it for the right reasons. The first time I am committing to it. It's exciting to think that I acutally want to do it right this time, but terrifying all the same. I'm a jumper, or at least I use to be and now I am jumping in a whole new direction, the long jump. I need a very good long running start to make this jump and I will be in the air much longer; instead of the hop scotch kind of jumping....aahhhh!! It's scary. For most people it's less scary to find a comfortable place and stay there. I find 5 comfortable places and jump between them. So for me the adventure of staying in one is scary but exciting all at the same time.

Adventure + Journey + Alive + Responsibilty + Committment + Choices = LIFE...

Live it, and do it with price.